We All Belong: Working Through Feelings of Loneliness
Throughout history, social gatherings have often been seen as a crucial part of life. Nearly 2 billion years ago humans were already sharing tools and common eating areas to feel a sense of belonging and to increase the chances of survival for those in their same area. Then 130,000 years ago we were able to connect with others far from our location in order to grow civilization and understand other cultures better. Even just a few hundred years ago we threw extravagant parties to address social, political or even marriage events.
This idea of belonging is not new and is identified as a basic human need, as important as food and shelter. So why do Americans continue to become so disconnected? Research suggests that since the 1980’s American adults who report feeling lonely have doubled from 20% to about 40%. The research also shows that more of us choose to live alone, are choosing not to get married, and the number of children in families is decreasing. And when we feel lonely, we know that this can lead to increased risk of various health risks including heart disease, stroke, suicidality, depression, and early death. So, despite the known risks and the ability to contact friends anywhere at any time through technology, why are we experiencing so much isolation?
Though we could never blame this on one sole thing, we can say that some changes may have impacted this. Research suggests that changes in family structure, a large population of urban living folks moving to suburbs, a difference in ideas of what priorities are, and technology are some of the main contributors. Family dinners have declined 30% and as a collective we have pushed for an obsession with individual success rather than group success. These things have all impacted our ability to connect and in return creates an intense feeling of loneliness for many that can feel overwhelming at times that often leads to further isolation.
Despite this shift in society, there are some ways we can begin to feel connected again. First of all, it's important to believe and know that belonging is a human need. As stated above this is seen as important as food or shelter. Simply accepting that wanting to belong is normal and necessary is the first step. Second, take some time to think of ways you are similar to others instead of spending time thinking of all the ways you are different. Focusing on the differences can compound feelings of loneliness but reminding ourselves of all the ways we are the same can remind us of why we deserve to belong. Third, it can help to work on accepting others despite differences or varying beliefs. Even in the most difficult to understand situation there is still something you can find that you share with the other person. After working on acceptance, it is then important to work on validating others. Validation is not saying “you are right”, validation is simply conveying “I understand your internal experiences as your own” and I am on the same side even if I don't agree. Lastly, try to say yes to something that involves being around others and before doing this, let go of any judgements you have against yourself or others. Go in to a new experience knowing you may not be the best or you may not know anyone and still know it is okay to be where you are and that you deserve to connect despite your abilities or experience.
It is important to state that even if you feel emotionally sensitive, keep in mind, everyone has experienced similar pain, just maybe not to the same degree. But we all experience pain and hurt and that is no reason to feel like an outsider.
If you are someone you know feels isolated here are some resources in Montana that could connect you to local communities.
Events in Billings, Montana (billings365.com)
Events from February 23 – July 16 › Community › | Visit Helena, Montana (helenamt.com)
Community Events - Downtown Bozeman
Get Involved | Engage Missoula