Healthy Conflict
Conflict is inevitable. Period. In any relationship, intimate, friendship, work, or family, you will be at odds with someone at one point or another. It is not about avoiding conflict, but it is how we move through it that really matters.
If you think about any time you fought with someone, what did it really boil down to? Most people would say, “not being understood”. One way to fight constructively is to change your perspective into trying to understand the other person’s point of view. Bringing understanding into the conflict can help transform it from a negative experience into a positive one.
Amie Gordon (Ph.D.) and Serena Chen (2015) ran seven different studies to see what happened when people felt understood by their partners. They found in all seven studies, when people did not feel understood by their partners, after conflicts, they reported less satisfaction in their relationships. However, in those conflicts where people felt understood, there was no negative effect on their relationship satisfaction.
So how do you increase understanding during conflict? Here are some suggestions for how to think and act to maximize understanding during conflict:
Instead of asserting your own point of view, try to take your partner’s perspective. Make it your goal to understand why your partner feels the way they do.
Avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Take a moment to reflect on your partner’s positive traits. You can even try some gratitude-inducing techniques.
Think of you and your partner as a team, rather than opponents. Your goal is to figure out together why you do not see eye-to-eye and find a solution, it is not to win the fight and prove your partner wrong.
Recognize that it won’t always be easy to follow these suggestions, especially if your partner isn’t playing by the same rules.
Give yourself a mantra to repeat when you start feeling angry to help you remember your goal—even something as simple as “be understanding (Gordon & Chen, 2015).”
It will take time and patience to adapt, but in the end, having a healthy conflict resolution style will greatly impact your relationships and your overall well-being!
Laura Cole, MSW, LCSW
References
7 Ways to Make Conflict Healthy. (2015). Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-you-and-me/201609/7-ways-make-conflict-healthy
Gordon, A. M., & Chen, S. (2016). Do you get where I’m coming from?: Perceived understanding buffers against the negative impact of conflict on relationship satisfaction. Journal of personality and social psychology,110(2), 239.