Healing Self Abandonment
Have you been abandoning yourself?
This is a common learned pattern of behavior that often stems from childhood. Self-abandonment happens when we dismiss our own emotions and needs in order to avoid challenging feelings, to keep the peace, or to feel loved or accepted. In short, we each self-abandon each time we minimize or suppress our thoughts, feelings, or emotions for the sake of other people. In those moments, we often fail to act in our own best interest.
To many people, this looks a lot like love or selflessness. A core belief in people who chronically self-abandon is that their needs cannot be met, or should not be met. Often, they are quite skilled at meeting the needs of others.
Some examples of self-abandonment can include:
Saying yes when you really want to say no
Putting the needs of a family member or partner above your own
Not keeping promises to yourself or prioritizing your personal needs
Not communicating feelings in order to “keep the peace”
Over time, patterns of self-abandonment can make it hard to trust our own feelings, or even recognize them! This can contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and problems in interpersonal relationships. Where the behavior once served a purpose, it now isn’t helpful anymore. In fact, ignoring our own needs and constantly people pleasing is a recipe for burnout and resentment. When we live from an over-extended and exhausted place, there is little room in our lives for joy and contentment to thrive.
So, how do we stop self-abandonment and get back to trusting ourselves?
We allow ourselves to have feelings and needs, and we start to “take up space.” This might look like learning how to identify emotions as they arise in the body. Simply naming the emotion and allowing yourself the space to feel it can be a powerful first exercise.
Once better at recognizing and feeling our feelings, we can start to gain clarity about what our core needs are, and begin making an intentional effort into meeting our own needs. This is the antidote to self-abandonment: Learning to trust yourself and honor your own needs.
Some examples of what honoring and meeting your own needs might look like:
Speaking your truth/saying no when you need to
Comforting yourself when you feel sad or lonely
Allowing space for your feelings and emotions
Prioritizing yourself (eating well, getting enough sleep, building in rest days, exercising)
Practicing self-compassion
Making commitments to yourself and keeping them
If you find yourself struggling with self abandonment, please give Advanced Counseling Bozeman a call at 406-595-3746 and see if we have a therapist that best fits your needs to help walk through healing with you!
Emily Hodge, MSW, SWLC
Reference
Johnson, B. (2018, April 30). Are You a Chronic Self-Abandoner? nami.org. https://www.nami.org/complimentary-health-approaches/are-you-a-chronic-self-abandoner/