Grief and Loss
Grief is often the response to loss, but what about an intangible loss such as the loss of a childhood that could have been different? What about the grief for what we hoped or wished it would have been? Many people come to learn as an adult that their childhood included moments where they felt invisible, where they were invalidated, or where they weren’t able to get their needs met. These reflections often lead to some amount of grief about their childhood experiences. How do we acknowledge and process this loss of intangible nature? Most of the research on grief (of the tangible nature) appears to apply similarly, and it’s worth exploring.
Although a simplistic model of grief, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler review the five stages of death in their book, On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As unique beings, we may process through these stages in our own way and on an individualized timeline. When considering grief related to childhood memories, it is common to start with denial. Thoughts like, “it wasn’t that bad,” or “my parents loved me” are examples of denying our true experience. It is important to find ways to go towards one’s grief, rather than avoid or minimize it.
Activating emotions and allowing their full expression – to be with the discomfort and see and hear it fully – is the path to honoring and healing our pain. Some activities to facilitate this process include meditating, writing, and listening to music. There are online resources for guided medication for grief, which is a way we can focus on the feelings we have about your loss. You can write a letter to the younger version of yourself, offering validation to the experience you had where needs were not met. You can curate a playlist of emotionally evocative songs and findspace to be alone as you listen, maybe even belting out the lyrics can help.
Lastly, David Kessler would encourage us to seek support from others as we process our grief. Kessler says, “What everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn't mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.” This witnessing is what therapy can provide. Talking with a professional who can be with you in the pain, without the desire to change it, is another act of honoring and healing the full expression of the loss.
If you can relate to thoughts about what could have been, have you noticed any signs that grief follows? Can you offer yourself a path towards the pain? While remembering that emotions may include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, no matter where you are at try to honor those feelings.
Kris Loomis
Kubler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.
