Disrespectful Child Behavior? Don’t Take it Personally
To expect your child to understand and care about your feelings when he or she disobeys you is a sign that you’re over–personalizing the behavior. And by doing so, you are setting yourself up to be frustrated.
When parents take things very personally, they can overreact by saying ineffective or hurtful things, or give consequences that are too severe or intense for the situation. Some parents may even become triggered by their child’s reactions and create distance or avoid confronting the situation altogether, leaving the job to another caretaker or no one at all.
If you’ve heard yourself saying things like, “What’s the matter with you? Why are you doing this to me?” or “You’re making me crazy,” you’re probably taking your child’s disrespectful behavior personally. And when you fall into that trap, it can be easy to begin to assume the worst of your child. It can be easy to start to believe your child has malicious intent when they disobeys you. But they do not.
And remember, everyone personalizes things from time to time, we all do it for different reasons. Who hasn’t gotten angry at another driver after being cut off in traffic, for example? At certain times, any parent can overreact and take things too personally. And frankly, if your kid is standing there calling you names, it would be hard for anyone not to take that personally.
James Lehman, MSW, says “Personalizing inappropriate behavior often leads to fighting with your children, with nothing to be gained. Remember, we want to avoid power struggles and fights whenever we can.”
Let’s say your child is staying out late and has missed curfew, and you’re taking this behavior as a sign of disrespect because your child is not obeying you. Your feeling might be “You’re disrespecting me because you’re breaking this rule.” The truth is that your child probably broke that rule just because he wanted to stay out with their friends. A more effective way to deal with this situation is to focus on their behavior, not their—or your—feelings about why they did it.
Many parents say, “I don’t think my child cares about my feelings at all.” And you may be right! Some children do not naturally connect with other’s emotions. And even teenagers have not yet developed a mature sense of empathy. Therefore expecting them to “care” about your feelings or using guilt to hope they connect with your emotions often won’t work. If your child pushes your buttons, yells, or calls you names, it’s hard not to personalize it.
Why do children “misbehave?”
There are four main reasons why children might engage in noncompliance, disruptive or oppositional behavior:
To gain attention: Attention-seeking behaviors aim to draw others in — whether that be a parent, another peer or a teacher. Some children have realized that their oppositional behaviors result in social interactions from others. This is very normal for young children who are 3 or 4 years, but it may be less normative for children who are 6 or 7 years, and older. However, each child is different.
To seek access to tangibles: Access-seeking behavior has the goal to receive a preferred object or activity — also called tangibles. A child engages in this behavior to get something that they want. For example, if a child wants to have an electronic device for longer, they might say something like: “Oh, one more minute”; “This video is almost over”; or “I’m almost at the end of my game.” They use these strategies to continue to have access to the desired object; they are bargaining with you to get what they want.
To escape: Sometimes, children may have oppositional behaviors to avoid tasks or uncomfortable situations or feelings. Wanting to mentally escape is quite common in young children, and when we think about it in terms of creativity and self-regulation, it can be a very positive coping skill. This may look like avoidance of certain people, places, times of day, or activities. It may also look like having a “bad attitude”, which we are often quick to judge.
To feel good: Also known as automatic or sensory-seeking behaviors, these behaviors may provide a sensation that feels good to the individual. With these behaviors, a child’s regulatory system is being positively impacted by something that they are doing. It may be calming, or it may evoke positive feelings. So, they may keep doing it even though they may be asked to stop. For example, some kids might decide that they want to keep tapping on the side of a table; they want to keep dancing; they want to be snugly in a bunch of blankets; or they want to keep having their hands in the sand in the sand in the sandbox. It can also be looking to social media or food or other stimulus that can achieve instant gratification.
Now, as a parent or caregiver, what should you do or say? Below are some of the effective techniques.
Pause and Breathe
If you have been personalizing your child’s behavior and you want to make some changes, the absolute best thing to do first is to breathe deeply several times. Focusing on your breathing can distract you from your emotions. It also lets you pause for a few seconds so you’re more likely to have a more appropriate response.
Tell Your Child You Don’t like It
When your child screams or swears or has a body that is out of control, be clear, firm, and kind. One option is to say something like “It’s not okay to speak to me that way. I don’t like it.”
And then if possible, leave that space and attempt to distance yourself from the emotions for a moment. If there are more words, try to speak in a calm even tone, and speak truthfully.
Remember That You Are the Mature One
Remember that you’re dealing with somebody who is less mature and less capable than you are. You have a developed adult brain with a fully formed Prefrontal Cortex. Your children are going to make mistakes. They are going to be impulsive and say things they shouldn’t say—they’re kids. Just remember that you’re the adult.
It Isn’t About You
The other thing to remind yourself is that it isn’t always about you—even if they are screaming “I hate you!” Children push against boundaries and test out behaviors, often without the conscious awareness they are doing so.
The behavior that pushes your buttons might be something your child is struggling with or needs some more solid boundaries around
Ask Yourself What Behavior You Want to Change.
Focus on your child’s behavior and not the emotions of the situation. Focus your thoughts and actions on the following question: “What behavior would I like to see changed?” Put your energy into that.
What Do You Want Your Child to Learn?
The problem–solving piece in all of this is the question “What do I want my child to learn?” This is often a better question than “What do I want my child to do?” This is especially true when you feel the tension building.
Just step back and ask “What do I want my kid to learn?” This is difficult, but the more you practice the easier it gets. We are allowed to make mistakes as a parent, and when we can acknowledge the mistake and work towards change, we are offering our children another important life lesson.
Identify Your Triggers
Identify what triggers you. Is it when your child swears, slams the door, or curses at you? Is it when you’re asking them to get their shoes on for the millionth time or when they are being slow to get to the bus stop? Is it when they say something or act some way in public and you feel embarrassed as their parent? Try to get an idea of what your hot buttons are. Awareness is half of the battle. The other half is having a plan of what you’ll do when your buttons are pushed.
“I’m Worried That My Child Doesn’t Love Me”
Many parents worry that their kids don’t love them. The truth is, if your child can show their most challenging and unappealing behavior to you, it means they feel safe enough to express themselves. They have an internal sense that even if they are “bad” they will be loved and safe.
When you set boundaries for your child, they won’t always like it. However, the long-term effect of boundary setting is a sense of safety within a set of norms and rules that can inform a child how to navigate relationships in the future. This is an important layer of loving a child, to set boundaries and be okay with them disliking it in the moment.
Parenting is a balance between thinking and feeling. Both are very important. It is important to not let our feelings drive your actions.
It is helpful to remember that we want children to have good life skills when they leave our home. When we set boundaries, communicate them with love, enforce them with consistency and emotional care, and allow our children to explore the world with all their successes and mistakes, and then welcome them back into our loving arms every time they need us, we share a great gift. And when we can imagine parenting as a job that will include mistakes and frustrations along with the positives, we can take some distance from personalizing our growing human’s needs and actions in the moment, and be a more balanced caregiver.
Rachel Brown, MSW, SWLC
References
https://health.choc.org/how-to-manage-negative-behaviors-in-young-children/
Brain Body Parenting by Mona Delahooke, PHD