Co-Regulation with Your Child
Co-regulation can be defined as, “The process through which children develop the ability to soothe and manage distressing emotions and sensations from the beginning of life through connection with nurturing and reliable primary caregivers” (Complex Trauma Resources, 2020). Co-regulation is incredibly beneficial for the parent and child. According to research these benefits can include, deepening the safe connection between you and your child, giving your child tools for self-regulation, supports conflict-resolution skills, developing resilience, practicing nervous system regulation, and more.
It is important to know that co-regulation with your child will look different throughout childhood according to the child’s development. For example, how you would co-regulate with a 4-year-old child may look different than with a 16-year-old child, especially if parent and child have been co-regulating for a significant amount of time. This 16-year-old child will hopefully have internalized those tools and able to self-regulate themselves more. So, what can co-regulation look like between all stages of development with your child?
Physical Co-Regulation Techniques
Physical co-regulation techniques are very powerful and effective between parent and child. However, it is also important to keep in mind of consent in physical touch, therefore asking child if can engage in physical co-regulation technique before doing so is always suggested. Some of these physical co-regulation techniques can look like holding a hand, rubbing a child’s back, a hug, or an arm around the shoulder. These co-regulation techniques have been proven to release oxytocin, which can create a sense of trust and bonding (Polyvagal Theory, 2024).
Voice/Verbal Co-Regulation
Children across all stages of development look for safety cues in their environment. Our tone and volume of our voice when they are dysregulated can be a cue for safety. This involves attuning to your child’s shifting emotional and physiological cues of their children to know when to change your voice tone and volume. The idea is when your child is in the storm of dysregulation, you can share some of your regulation through providing a warm, low, and firm voice.
Validating Emotions and Setting Boundaries
A critical part of co-regulation is validating your child’s emotions or emotion reflection. This can look like asking your child what they are feeling or if they cannot name it to just reflect what you are seeing. It is also important to know that we can still set boundaries for behaviors while validating the emotion. An example of that can look like, “You are very angry and upset that Johnny took your block, I’m sorry. And we cannot hit when we are angry, let's figure out how else to handle this”.
Modeling Self-Soothing Skills Together
This can look a lot of different ways. One particular technique that is effective across developmental stages is shared deep breathing. Inviting your child into a practice in which you synchronize your breathing deepens the connection between both of you and supports you in maintaining calm while also sharing that calm with your child. Phrases like “I use box-breathing to help me when I’m upset. I’m going to start, could you do it with me?” or “I can tell both of us are frustrated, let’s take a break and use some belly-breathing to calm us down before we decide how to handle this” are supportive to inviting your child to this kind of co-regulation.
Jamie Lingenfelter, SWLC, MSW, BSW
References
Co-regulation. Complex Trauma Resources. (2020, August 26). https://www.complextrauma.org/glossary/co-regulation/
Polyvagal theory: 8 co-regulation skills for relationships. Mind by Design Counseling. (2024, June 28). https://mindbydesignllc.com/blog/polyvagal-theory-co-regulation/
Salamon, M. (2024, April 3). Co-regulation: Helping Children and teens navigate big emotions. Harvard Health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/co-regulation-helping-children-and-teens-navigate-big-emotions-202404033030