"Catching a Bullet"

When thinking about therapy, and more specifically, couples therapy, there is hope we can find the tricky places where what we're doing isn't working. We can benefit from trying something new, or challenging maladaptive patterns with more healthier and thoughtful responses. So, instead of responding with an unfiltered, or automatic reaction, can we notice what is happening inside our bodies and use those cues to communicate our hearts desires? It’s risky, scary and often includes being vulnerable.

Something that can happen when one partner tries to do or communicate something new, the other partner has trouble understanding, or receiving the new information. This can look like becoming defensive after your partner just chose to be really vulnerable.

As a facilitator and encourager of the new, these are the moments when it can be helpful to learn to “catch a bullet” (Johnson, 2020), which is a term that stems from EFT therapy (emotionally focused therapy). It can be helpful just to notice and point out that the new information, or new pattern is foreign and hard to take in. This is especially true if we have engaged in familiar patterns based on protective and defensive mechanisms for years. Think: unhealthy attachment styles or unhealthy communication.. 

An example might sound like “I feel really lonely when you spend time on your phone scrolling. It makes my heart hurt.” A bullet response might sound like, “Well, you're always on your phone...” It’s automatic, defensive, and unable to hear the longing behind the vulnerability. 

If we want to catch this bullet, we can become curious instead of critical. What does it feel like to hear of your partner’s loneliness? What happens inside your body if you stay present with the vulnerability of your partner? And is it possible to meet them in it, rather than defend against it? Catching your own bullet might sound like, “I was caught off guard by your comment and I want to defend myself, but I understand how you’re feeling. Should we make time to talk, or address this later?”

So, notice if you have an opportunity to catch a bullet, either your own, or another’s. Meet vulnerability with vulnerability, instead of a shield. Try curiosity instead of being critical. It may help you to understand your partner better, become closer and avoided escalated or unnecessary fighting. 

Johnson, S. M. (2020). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.