When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder…

By Mackenzie Bean

When someone you love has Borderline Personality Disorder…

Managing relationships can be hard. Managing a relationship with a friend or family member with Borderline Personality Disorder can be even more difficult. Sometimes it can be more difficult due to the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, or maybe you are struggling to find what is best for you and that person. Being supportive, but also taking care of yourself, can place you between a rock and a hard place.

If you are going through this, there are 5 things to consider:

*These suggestions are evidenced based research from the Treatment and Research Advancements National Association for Personality Disorders (TARA NAPD) and the Personality Disorder Awareness Network (PDAN). TARA NAPD is a not for profit education and advocacy organization that represents consumers, families, and providers who are affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. PDAN is a not for profit organization to increase public awareness of personality disorders.*

1) Support them and their strengths: Recognizing strengths of someone who is diagnosed with BPD can help develop a sense of competency (Porr, 2010). This leads to a more positive sense of self for that individual. Even though times can be really, really, really hard, it is important to show that you are supportive of them. Support them when they decide to do something positive. For example, if they need to get to an appointment, offer to assist with that, if your time allows it. If they don’t need assistance, let them know that you are proud they went. Secondly, point out their strengths and utilize them! If they are good at cooking, have them help you out at Sunday dinner. You can verbalize your appreciation and say, “You’ve always been so good at cooking this dish and I really appreciate you helping me.” Connection is an antidote to trauma.

2) Go to therapy: Talk to a professional. This allows you to get certain questions answered that you are struggling with and is a way to better understand what its like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as support someone experiencing it. It is important for your health and your other family member’s health to talk to a professional about the distress or confusion that you might be going through. Of course, you can talk to your support system about it.

3) Educate yourself: Going to a therapist will allow you to become educated about the diagnosis. Often families will take BPD behavior personally, if they are not aware of the symptoms and behaviors of BPD (Kreger, 2008). They can discuss the signs and symptoms, prevalence, why this may have developed, and how to strategize ways to cope with the behaviors.

4) Set boundaries: Along with the psychoeducation provided in therapy (education about mental health issues, coping skills, communication skills, etc.), going to therapy can also teach you how to set boundaries. Boundaries can help clarify expectations and is a way to say, “I care about our relationship. If this keeps happening, I can’t stay, and I want our relationship to continue…” (Kreger, 2008). Boundaries are very important for your health, your family’s health, and your loved one who is dealing with the diagnosis. For example, set the boundary of not accepting calls after 10:00pm, unless it is an emergency. This will allow you to have better sleep hygiene, show that you are prioritizing yourself and set the expectation that you will not be available 24/7. It is encouraged to provide alternative resources when you're not available, such as local crisis response agencies (The Help Center 406-586-3333, 211, 911, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255).

5) Self-care: Lastly, self-care! What is self care you ask? The World Health Organization defines self care as, "The ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health and to cope with illness and disability." Go to a glass-blowing class, or go for a hike and be in nature. If your time does not allow that, then you can do simpler tasks such as, sitting on the couch with a hot cup of tea while reading a magazine. Self-care is vital to maintaining a healthy life and to minimize burnout and/or compassion fatigue.

This isn’t a perfect guide for you, but it's a starting point. However you are feeling, it is normal and it's highly encouraged that you ask for help. Many people are going through similar situations and there are people like myself, who want to help you! Please reach out to us if you're needing support.

References

Kreger, R. (2008). The essential family guide to borderline personality disorder: New tools and techniques to stop walking on eggshells. Hazelden Publishing.

Mason, P & Kreger, R. (2010). Stop walking on eggshells. New Harbinger Publications.

Porr, V. (2010). Overcoming borderline personality disorder: A family guide for healing and change. Oxford University Press; 1st edition.

WHO (2022) What Do We Mean By Self Care? https://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/self-care-interventions/definitions/en/