Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment styles are patterns of thinking and behavior that people exhibit in relationships. They influence how individuals connect with others and navigate their emotional bonds. Attachment theory was initially introduced by John Bowlby, a psychoanalyst who studied the impact of separation on infants and their parents. Bowlby theorized that the initial bonds children form with their caregivers have a profound influence that persists throughout their lives. Historically, children who stayed close to a caregiver were more likely to receive comfort and protection, thus increasing their chances of surviving into adulthood.
Attachment Patterns in Infants and Children
Ambivalent
This describes children who exhibit significant distress when a parent leaves. These children, often due to the limited availability of their parents, cannot depend on their primary caregivers to be there when necessary. Consequently, they may avoid emotional intimacy and appear indifferent towards their caregivers.
Avoidant
Avoidant attachment is characterized by children who tend to shun their parents or caregivers, displaying indifference between a caregiver and an unfamiliar person. This style of attachment may stem from abusive or neglectful caregiving. Children punished for depending on a caregiver often learn to refrain from seeking assistance in the future.
Disorganized
The behavior of these children often appears disoriented, dazed, or bewildered. They might avoid or resist their parents. This absence of a consistent attachment pattern is typically associated with erratic caregiver behavior. Consequently, parents can become a source of both solace and fear, resulting in disorganized behavior in the child.
Secure
Children who rely on their caregivers often display distress upon separation and happiness upon reunion. Even when upset, they are confident that their caregiver will come back. Securely attached children seek comfort from their caregivers when scared, which is the predominant style of attachment. Children who develop secure attachments typically grow up to have higher self-esteem and increased independence. As they mature, they tend to become more autonomous, achieve academic success, establish successful social relationships, and experience lower levels of depression and anxiety.
Attachments in Relationships
While attachment styles in adulthood may differ from those in infancy, early attachment experiences can significantly influence later relationships. Understanding your attachment style can lead to strategies that enhance security within your relationships.
Secure
Adults in this category often feel more satisfied with their relationships, enjoying a sense of security and connection with their partners, without needing to be together constantly. These relationships are characterized by healthy intimacy, effective communication, and independence. Individuals clearly express their needs, trust their partners, and derive fulfillment from the relationship.
Anxious (aka Preoccupied)
Adults who fit this profile often harbor concerns about their partner's availability and commitment. They might feel a sense of incompleteness without their partner, frequently seeking excessive reassurance and grappling with jealousy. Such individuals may be distrustful of their partner and the relationship, fear abandonment, rejection, and conflict, and are sensitive to criticism while craving approval.
Individuals who establish insecure attachments with their partners might experience a deep craving for love or affection, believing that their partner should "complete" them or resolve their issues. Although they yearn for stability and security in their romantic relationships, their actions may inadvertently drive their partner away instead of drawing them closer. The behaviors stemming from their insecurities may manifest as neediness, possessiveness, jealousy, or hypersensitivity to minor problems.
Avoidant (aka Dismissive)
Adults matching this description may appear detached and emotionally distant, frequently shunning intimacy, vulnerability, and commitment, while often spending time apart from their partner. They can be overly rigid, guarded, and distant, uncomfortable with emotions and conflict, and have difficulty expressing needs and desires.
Disorganized (aka Fearful-Avoidant)
This attachment style is characterized by ambivalence rather than isolation. Individuals with this style tend to avoid their feelings to prevent being overwhelmed. They often experience unpredictable or sudden mood swings and harbor a fear of being hurt by a romantic partner. They are torn between being attracted to a partner or potential partner and the fear of becoming too close. As a result, this attachment style can make it challenging to establish and sustain meaningful, healthy relationships.
Individuals with fluctuating attachment styles often oscillate between anxious and avoidant behaviors, craving intimacy yet distrusting it, which results in contradictory and inconsistent interactions with their partners. They may experience emotional extremes, have difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries, and are susceptible to high-conflict relationships. Often, these individuals can emotionally "shut down" in potentially painful situations, like during a serious argument with their partner or when facing a threat to the longevity of their relationship.
Creating Secure Attachment
Learn about your attachment style
Examine your beliefs about relationships
Act opposite to your anxious or avoidant style
Increase your emotional awareness
Communicate openly and listen empathetically
Seek out others with healthy relationships
Minimize stressors
While most individuals exhibit a dominant attachment style, it's normal to display characteristics from other styles as well. Factors such as early parenting, childhood experiences, and adult relationships contribute to the formation of one's attachment style. Those with an insecure attachment can work towards security by embracing new beliefs and behaviors. Additionally, partners can affect each other's attachment styles in both detrimental and beneficial ways.
Grasping your attachment style and the work it involves can be a life-changing and uplifting journey. Identifying your attachment style can lead you to strategies that cultivate greater security and trust in your relationships.
Gabrielle Molina, MSW, SWLC
References
Ackerman, C. E. (2024, July 9). What is attachment theory? Bowlby’s 4 stages explained. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/attachment-theory/#adults-attachment-theory
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986). Discovery of an insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern. In T. B. Brazelton & M. W. Yogman (Eds.), Affective development in infancy (pp. 95–124). Ablex Publishing.
Solomon, M. (1989). (John Bowlby:) attachment and loss. PsycEXTRA Dataset.
Therapist Aid. (2022). Attachment styles: Connection in romantic relationships. www.therapistaid.com. https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/attachment-styles-romantic-relationships.
Therapist Aid. (2022b). Creating secure attachment. www.therapistaid.com. https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/creating-secure-attachment-tips.