The Phases of an Abusive Relationship
By Mackenzie Bean
Lundy Bancroft, a counselor, author, and a consultant on domestic violence and child maltreatment, wrote the book, “Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." The book talks about early warning signs of an abusive relationship, abusive personality types, the role of drugs and alcohol, what people can and can’t do to fix it, and how to get out of an abusive relationship safely. In this blog, we will identify the phases that most abusive relationships cycle through based on Bancroft’s experience working with abusive men.
1. The tension-building phase:
a. This phase is when your abusive partner gathers negative aspects of you and stores them away for later battles. Abusers will play into their grievances and a colleague of Bancroft calls this "The Garden of Resentments." The Garden of Resentments is a process where an abuser will discuss a minor complaint and then turn it into something a lot bigger, with many other dimensions. If you try to defend yourself, the abusers will have all of the negative aspects that they have gathered to use against you.
2. The eruption:
a. This is the phase when the abuser blows up (yelling, punching the walls, calling you names, violence, etc). After the abuser blows up, they will start to express guilt for their actions and will seem like they are very ashamed of their actions. Abusive men might say things like, “There is only so much a man can take” or “She really hurt my feelings.” This phase is when the abusers will “apologize” for what they have done.
3. The honeymoon stage, as known as the “hearts and flowers” stage:
a. After the apologies, the abuser will feel like they want a “fresh start” or wants the relationship to turn into a “new direction.” The abuser will think that their partner will feel better, because they feel better. During this period, the abuser will make attempts to mend the relationship, until the abuse ruins it again. The abuser wants to be back in their partner’s good graces. They might want sex, reassurance that their partner will not leave, or they might give gifts. These are all tactics to make it seem like everything is going well again. "Ill never do it again,"I love you so much and I'll change and get help" are all common things victims of domestic violence are told during the phase.
If you believe that you are in an abusive relationship and want to seek help, please reach out to one of ACB’s therapists or one of the resources below:
Bozeman Police Department: (406) 582-2000 / 911
Victim Services: (406) 582-2075
Haven: (406) 586-4111
Help Center: 211, (406) 586-3333
Bancroft, L. (2003). Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Berkeley Books; Reprint Edition.
