The Importance of Setting Boundaries
by Laura Cole
NO: The Power of Saying ‘No’ and Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries with loved ones, friends, and with yourself can be hard to do. Whether it is saying no to attending holiday dinners with your family, having a quiet night instead of going out with friends, or cutting back on drinking soda, maintaining healthy boundaries is key to self-care.
Writer and wellness consultant Alex Elle and therapist and author Andrea Bonior share their best techniques for making and maintaining boundaries.
Identify your needs and write them down
Trusting yourself to know what boundaries you need can be tricky sometimes, especially if you weren't raised with a lot of models for what healthy boundaries look like. Get honest about the things you need and want for your relationships and write them down.
"Lean in," Elle says. "You can be your own inner expert. You have the power to do that." Prioritizing your own needs and wants is an important step to inform the boundaries you create.
Voice your boundaries clearly
When you create a boundary, you're drawing clear lines for the behavior you'll tolerate. That can be as low-key as saying, "Hey, please don't spoil this series for me," if you just started a TV series. Or it can be as monumental as saying, "I won't be coming to this family celebration if you continue to critique my body in that way."
You decide what your boundaries are, so they can be flexible. "Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships, and sometimes for healthier relationships with ourselves," Elle says. "Everyone isn't going to be able to journey with us forever. And actually, that can be our biggest blessing. So, let's get clear about who we need by our side and, maybe, who we don't need right now."
Get real about what it means to set a life-changing boundary
"It does take some extra strength and extra planning to say, you know, I'm going to have some fallout from this, but I believe in what I'm doing enough to know that it's the right thing," Bonior says. "I believe in this enough to pay the price of some discomfort."
She suggests asking yourself a few important questions:
"Am I willing to actually stop speaking to this person after multiple warnings when they have broken my boundaries?" What are the consequences to a boundary violation?
"Am I willing to take the steps that I need to keep me and my family safe?" (How to Set Boundaries with Family — and Stick to Them : Life Kit, n.d.)
Setting boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable. Starting slow and starting with small boundaries can help you ease into the process. Practice, practice, and practice! Find freedom in the discomfort and understand that the boundaries you are setting are for you and improving your mental health.
How To Set Boundaries With Family — And Stick To Them : Life Kit. (n.d.). NPR.org. https://www.npr.org/2021/01/25/960423678/how-to-set-boundaries-with-family-and-stick-to-them.
