Repairing With Your Child After Conflict
It is well known how big of an impact a parent has on their child’s self-esteem, relationships with others and themselves, and their understanding of the world. With the ever-increasing information and messages we receive from social media and society of how critical of a role a parent plays in a child’s life, there is an increasing amount of pressure put on parents to be ‘perfect’ for their children and give them the best childhood. While it is only natural to want to give your child better than what you had, this pressure has become increasingly unattainable and harmful as there is no such thing as the ‘perfect parent’. You will mess up, get overstimulated, lose your temper, and not always know what to say or do. Here is the good news though, according to everything we know about secure attachment, we don’t need you to be a perfect parent for your child to thrive and have healthy relationships! We do need a parent that repairs with their child in a safe and nurturing way after a separation, conflict, or rupture. Therefore, it is important that we practice this piece with our children often, no matter how hard it is. Here are some reminders in how to do this:
Turn Inward
Okay, you yelled at your child, let's take a minute to get regulated and see what is going on for you. Separate for a moment, utilize whatever grounding techniques or self-soothing strategies work for you and then turn inward. Be curious and explore, what triggers are coming up for me right now? What stressors or emotions are being pushed in this moment? What does my self-talk look like right now? Listen to your inner voice and consider how it is affecting your emotions now, “Open your heart, give space for your feelings, and attend to them. Instead of telling yourself to calm down, listen to what is actually going on. That image of a perfect, calm parent might be part of what got you here in the first place” (Soderlund, 2024). Once you have a better understanding of what is being triggered, how the pressure of being the perfect parent or your inner voice is affecting you, and allow yourself to feel your uncomfortable emotions then we can begin the repair with your child.
Model Healthy Conflict Resolution for Your Child
Come back to your child, after you take a moment to yourself, and have a conversation with them in taking full responsibility for your actions in a way that they can understand at their developmental stage. Some examples can look like, “I got really mad, didn’t I? Sometimes parents feel angry too. I yelled at you, and I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. But then, I took some deep breaths and started to feel okay again. I calmed down. I love you” or “I am sorry I lost my cool. I am here with you now, and I am calm. What do you need right now?” (Soderlund, 2024). In both examples, you are normalizing the emotion, taking responsibility, emphasizing the importance of using self-regulation, and a genuine attempt of repairing that connection. When you model this for your child over time, they will soak it up and start understanding the importance of practicing this for themselves in their relationships. It can be hard and uncomfortable to admit that you are wrong at times or to give an apology without “but” after. It is critical to receive apologies from safe and loving adults to create secure attachments.
Resources
If you feel like you need more support in this area, it is highly recommended to work on this in your own personal therapy. There are also several different support groups for parents at Roots Family Collaborative in Bozeman, Montana.
Here is a link to see what support groups best fit your needs and to find a community: https://www.rootsfamilycollaborative.com/about
Jamie Lingenfelter, BSW, MSW, SWLC
Reference
Soderlund, A. (2024, February 22). 4 Things to Do After Yelling at Your Child: How to Repair. Nurture and Thrive. https://nurtureandthriveblog.com/what-to-do-after-yelling-at-your-child/