Positivity…How Much is too Much?

Positivity…How Much is too Much?

We live in a culture that exemplifies being positive and looking on the bright side of any situation. This begs the questions, when does positivity turn toxic?

“Everything happens for a reason,” or “things can only go up from here” may be comforting to some, but for those who are struggling with a difficult situation and/or their mental health, these phrases can be more harmful, rather than helpful.

According to Tabitha Kirkland (2021), a psychologist and associate teaching professor at the University of Washington’s Department of Psychology, “It is important to recognize that positivity is two different, but related things; our internal emotions and the emotions we project to others.”

“Toxic positivity is a way of responding to your own or someone else’s suffering that comes across as a lack of empathy. It dismisses emotions, instead of affirming them and could come from a place of discomfort” (What is Toxic Positivity?). Examples many of us have heard when someone is trying to be supportive, misses the mark, and ends in us feeling invalidated, are: "It can't be that bad," "Have you tried smiling more and thinking positive thoughts?, "Well that person is a really good person, so are you sure they did that?)," and the ever popular, notorious and unhelpful comment, "If you can try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, maybe you'll find that it's not that bad."

So, how can we support our family members, friends, co-workers, and ourselves in difficult times, creating validation and emotional safety, instead of disappointment and resentment?

• Listen to listen, not to respond. Most of us don't like it when our loved ones are hurting and our need/impulse is to fix their situation in those moments, so they don't have to suffer. However, when we can sit with them, truly listen to, and try to understand whatever they are saying, it allows them to open up. This leads to more honesty in the conversation and shows them you won't try to explain away the problem with toxic positivity, project your uncomfortable emotions about the situation onto their experience, and show you can hold space for them about a potentially difficult topic. 

• Let whoever you are supporting feel their feelings, without judgment. It may be really uncomfortable sitting with other’s feelings and their struggles, but when we do, it allows them to fully express their emotions, without feeling judged, or invalidated. Most strong emotions pass, once felt, expressed and validated, allowing the person to move forward.

• When we can move past the idea that everything has to be bright, shiny and immediately solve-able in our/their lives, and acknowledging it is okay to feel less than happy all the time, we will be able to have more self-awareness around our/their emotions and be able to deal with hardships in a healthy and realistic way In turn, we will be able to support our friends and family members in an empathetic and compassionate manner, allowing the relationship to develop and deepen, based upon mutual respect, understanding, and the absence of the expectation their feelings need to accommodate others' comfort.

What is toxic positivity? Right as Rain by UW Medicine. (2021, September 8). Retrieved April 16, 2022, from https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/well-being/toxic-positivity.