How to Set Boundaries with Others
A personal boundary is defined as, “the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships” (Therapist Aid, 2022). Being able to set personal boundaries with others is a critical skill to develop to support healthy relationships and communication styles. Before considering setting boundaries with people in your life, it is important to understand the different forms of boundaries and how to effectively communicate a boundary.
There are several different types and forms of boundaries that can be set in relationships. These include physical, financial, sexual, emotional, and intellectual. Some examples of these different types of boundaries include:
Physical Boundary: not wanting to hug someone that you are not comfortable with doing so
Emotional Boundary: gradually sharing your emotions on certain topics
Financial Boundary: deciding whom you are comfortable loaning money to and who you are not
There are also different forms of boundaries, these being rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries.
Rigid boundaries: “Avoids intimacy and close relationships, very protective of personal information, or keeps others at a distance to avoid the possibility of rejection” (Therapist Aid, 2022).
Porous boundaries: “Overshares personal information, Difficulty saying ‘no’ to the requests of others, or dependent on the opinions of others” (Therapist Aid, 2022).
Healthy boundaries: “Doesn’t compromise values for others, knows personal wants and needs, and can communicate them, or accepting when others say ‘no’ to them” (Therapist Aid, 2022).
It is important to understand your typical boundary form style to get a deeper understanding of where you may struggle in setting a boundary with someone.
It is also critical to understand how you would want to communicate a boundary with someone. This depends on the type of boundary you are setting and who you are setting it with. Generally, it can be very helpful to reflect on your needs, struggles, and strong points in the relationship so you can have complete clarity in communicating this boundary. Then communicate this with the person with assertiveness and kindness. Examples can look like:
“I appreciate your concern for me, but I am not ready to talk about that quite yet”
“I know that you are very stressed about getting this project done soon, but I can only support you with it during my work hours”
“We both care about letting each other know our perspectives, but when you raise your voice during our conversation I will need to walk out of the room and take a break for both of us to calm down”
In these examples, the person can communicate what they need in the relationship while also open to connection. When we are setting a boundary with someone, we are not simply making demands in the relationship, as we cannot control others. Instead, we are giving a person clear guidelines of what you need in that relationship and if they are not able to respect that, then it is important to follow through with that boundary of communicating in how you will proceed if that boundary is not met. Setting boundaries with others can be uncomfortable, but it is an important skill in life for healthy relationships and self-care.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others”- Brene Brown
Jamie Lingenfelter, BSW, MSW, SWLC
References
Therapist Aid. (2022, August 5). Boundary styles: Worksheet. https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/boundary-styles