Disenfranchised Grief: What is it?

Disenfranchised Grief: When you feel no one understands.

When someone close to us dies, such as a parent, sibling, or grandparent, we are often met with comfort from our social support system. People will console us by bringing food, sending flowers or cards, and we even take time off work to grieve. But what happens when we lose our pets, our job, or our ability to achieve past goals?

Bereavement expert Kenneth Doka call this disenfranchised grief. He coined the term in 1989 to capture the feelings of loss no one seems to understand that you don’t feel entitled to. “Disenfranchised grief refers to a loss that’s not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported” (Cardoza & Schneider, 2021).

Disenfranchised grief can show up in several ways (but not limited to):

• Unrecognized relationships. This might include LGBTQ+ people who aren’t out and feel unsafe grieving the loss of their partner. The death of someone you never knew, like an unknown sibling, pregnancy loss at any stage, an absent parent, or the end of a friendship.

• Non-death losses. These can include adoptions that don’t go through, dementia or Alzheimer’s disease, loss of possessions, loss of safety, independence, or years of your life to abuse or neglect, or loss of mobility, health, having chronic illness and chronic pain.

• Loss surrounded by stigma. If a loved one dies by suicide or overdose, abortion, or loss of a loved one convicted of a crime and/or imprisoned (Raypole, 2020). 

If people don’t expect you to grieve these types of losses, they probably won’t understand your need for support, as you process the loss. This can make it hard to take needed time away from school or work. When others dismiss your grief, or suggest you shouldn’t feel “that sad,” you might even begin to wonder if they are right. By internalizing these messages, you effectively disenfranchise your own grief, which can lead to: 

• Doubt and guilt around your reaction

• Increased difficulty working through distress

• Difficulty coping with future losses (Raypole, 2020).

Grieving is hard and complex, and there is no right way to do it. If you are having a hard time navigating the process and the emotions that are sure to come, consider the following:

• Seek support from those who understand. Reach out to those in your life who will validate your feeling and know how to support you.

• Create your own mourning ritual. Rituals can often provide some closure. Be creative!

• Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. It’s possible that people won’t understand what you are grieving, so ask for what you need and educate them as to why it is impacting you. Not everyone experiences loss around the same things/events.

• Seek professional help (Cardoza & Schneider, 2021). 

You are not alone in your grief. If you feel like your loss isn’t as “significant” as other losses, know that grief can show up in almost any situation where there is a sense of loss. It’s natural to feel it and work through it, it’s a part of our humanity.

Cardoza, K., & Schneider, C. M. (2021, June 14). The importance of mourning losses (even when they seem small). NPR. Retrieved August 18, 2022, from https://www.npr.org/2021/06/02/1002446604/the-importance-of-mourning-losses-even-when-they-seem-small 

Raypole, C. (2020, March 30). Disenfranchised grief: 22 examples, signs, and tips. Healthline. Retrieved August 18, 2022, from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/disenfranchised-grief#examples