Discovering Your Sexual Identity

Sexuality is complex and unique to everyone, but it is often oversimplified in an attempt to make it easier to understand. Emily Nagoski has spent her career researching and teaching about human sexuality and sexual well-being and encourages readers to explore with curiosity. In her book, Come as You Are, she addresses common myths and cultural influences that breed shame. Her book, Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections, is an extension of the first with a focus on sexual well-being for couples. Highlights of these books include: 

The Dual Control Model 

She explains how sexual “accelerators” (things that turn you on) and “brakes” (things that turn you off) work together to shape your experiences. This model highlights the importance of context in sexual desire and helps readers identify what enhances or inhibits their own arousal.  

The Role of Context 

Nagoski emphasizes that context is crucial in understanding desire. Factors like stress, relationship dynamics, and even your body’s physical state can significantly influence your sexual experiences. This holistic approach encourages readers to look beyond physical mechanics and explore the broader picture of their lives.  

The Importance of Self-Compassion and Emotional Connection 

Sexuality is deeply intertwined with mental health, and Nagoski addresses this beautifully. Through stories and actionable advice, she teaches readers how to cultivate self-compassion, let go of shame, and build a more positive relationship with their bodies and desires. She also addresses the significance of emotional intimacy, suggesting that a strong emotional bond can lead to more satisfying sexual encounters. 

Science Made Accessible 

Nagoski’s ability to translate complex scientific concepts into relatable, actionable insights is a standout feature of the book. Whether she’s explaining the anatomy of arousal or the psychology of desire, her writing is engaging and easy to follow. 

Whether you are looking to explore your own sexuality or deepen sexual intimacy with your partner, Emily Nagoski’s works are a valuable resource for anyone. She acknowledges the varied ways people experience desire, pleasure, and intimacy, and gives readers permission to define their sexuality on their own terms.  

Gabbi Niemi, MSW, LCSW

Resources

Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster. 

Nagoski, E. (2024). Come together: The science (and art!) of creating lasting sexual connections. Ballantine Books.